A reality check. That’s how I’m feeling right now…
Last 20 months or so, I’ve been on a rough patch, one which is easy to get out If I look at it from the distance, but which I haven’t been able to. That’s the truth. It’s fucking hard to change.
I’m on operational level of CIMA (management accounting), that’s the second level of four; and I’ve been in this level for past 20 months. There are only three subjects and a case study exam which we have to do after completion of the three exams. Here’s the thing with CIMA, it’s a great qualification, but not necessarily a good one if you can’t get hold the reins of your horse (time and life). Unlike a university degree, CIMA is very flexible. I don’t have to do exams in a set time. I can go on my free way. Only for the case study, they have four exams per year. So, for to do the case study, we have to complete the three exams by a deadline to face the case study in one of the slots. If I miss it, I can still go on and finish my three exams and book the case study in the next slot.
On my 18th birthday, I faced the first exam. I failed. I don’t know why, but I went in a downward spiral. I started to procrastinate about studying. I tried to get back on track multiple times with little success. I tried to face the exam again in around mid-2019. I failed again. Then, after a lot of hard work of pushing myself to the books, I managed to pass the first exam. That’s it, one hurdle over. I started studying for the next exam. I did it, I failed.
Here I am today. I desperately want to do the August case study exam. For that I have to finish all three exams by July 28th (that’s the official CIMA deadline). Today is 3rd of July. I’m still struggling with procrastination. I still keep fucking it up. It has become a habit I cannot break (yet). I know I will have to do this now or I will never do it. And did I even tell you, all this time, I’ve been stuck inside our home? So I’ve effectively been in quarantine past twenty months. I want to puke.
My horse has gone crazy, I’ve become unconscious. I’ve passed the road I was supposed to go long time ago. In reality, the remaining two exams should take no more than 10-14 days to get done. But this is a crazy horse. As the rider, I’ve been passed out. And the horse is running like crazy towards a cliff. I’m slowly seeing it my vision, that THIS is the one last time I will have to take back control of the horse’s reins: my dreams, my goals, my time, my life.
If I fall off the edge of this cliff, I’m pretty sure, there’s no turning back.
How I’m going to approach this horror
It’s technology that have become my friend in misery. From YouTube videos, porn, mobile games, social media, internet browsing – that’s where my life has been; that was my day job. To stay in this never-ending loop. And the internet is like crack cocaine for the resistance. So in desperation, I’m going to completely strip off everything that doesn’t serve my mission. No more.
Saying to the world. Here I am, writing (typing) it out. This is more for myself than for you. Because of you, I will do it. I’m making an open promise to the world by writing this down. I will be blogging every single day to share my progress. This will become my accountability measurement number one.
Brother’s accountability. Even though, my brother and my father have been inside the same house, they haven’t really pushed me like my mom would. Maybe that’s what kept me in this loop. (My mother left this world six years ago unfortunately). I’m not necessarily blaming anyone. But lack of accountability lead me to this nightmare. I’m going to share my plans with my brother. This is accountability measurement number two.
Study plan. Then the details. Without a plan, it’s hard to get anything done. Even though, I’ve made countless plans which flushed itself out. This time, I will try my best to stay on the road. Study hard as long as possible. Without giving in to wasting time.
Being a civil man. That’s another way I missed the mark. From today on, I will be waking and going to sleep on same time as much as I possibly can. At least getting up at same time. Doing some exercise and avoiding food I know I should be avoiding. Drinking lots of water.
I hope all of this will help me. Please. I don’t want to die like this.
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